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June 01, 2003-10:58 pm
my toilet is overflowing with shit. i haven't been in my house for three days. why do i have to clean this? i almost vomitted. i cried. i took another shower. it's still broken. i jammed a bottle in part of it to make it stop overflowing. i tried to fix it again, it overflowed some more. i had some clothes on the ground the first time and now they have shit all over them. i put towels around the toilet the second time, those are soaked and the water leaked past them anyway. i am filthy and disgusting and i wouldn't be that sad if i got kicked in the head and passed out right about now. then i read some diary entries and felt useless and disgusting and i feel like i'm falling into a teenybopper depression. 'no one loves me, no one wants me, i'm so fat, i'm so ugly' I JUST FEEL LIKE I'M COATED IN FILTH, MOLD AND DIRT, GREEN AND BROWN AND DISGUSTING. I BELONG UNDER THE GROUND LIKE A WORM OR A MAGGOT. I AM A FUCKING MAGGOT LIKE THE ONES THAT SQUIRM WHEN 5 YEAR OLDS LIFT UP ROCKS IN THEIR BACKYARDS. I AM A FUCKING RAT THAT CRAWLS IN THE SUBWAYS AND SOMEHOW MANAGES NOT TO DIE. I AM A FUCKING SPECK OF DIRT IN SPACE, I'M SURROUNDED BY HUGE THINGS AND I AM ENTIRELY INSIGNIFICANT BUT I CAN'T BE DESTROYED. I AM FULL AND WHOLE AND UNBREAKABLE. ______________________________________________________________________________ entry for 6-2-03: 10:04 PM thank you. i really do enjoy the feeling of cold sharp metal twisting in my stomach. you just broke up into hundreds of tiny knives that climbed into my throat and are filling my lungs up with blood. it's hard to breathe when i'm around you. i'm doing it for someone else, i'm not breathing for you.
