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July 08, 2003-5:38 am
no sleep. ugh i hate reading over my older entries but i'm not going to go delete them or anything. my nerves are still all weird and tingly. the skin on my left arm is all raw and gross because i kept itching it last night. hmm. i'm in a pretty good mood for having a pretty shitty night and then not sleeping at all. the reason i went to write an entry was because i was lying on the bare mattress by my staircase thinking about how much i hate this body. i was doing situps for a while to make myself feel better even though i know that if i had abs (which i don't) you probably wouldn't be able to distinguish them. i was just pushing and pulling my flesh to see how it would look thin and taut over my hipbones, flat around my belly button. i don't want to be any insane kind of skinny, just not this anymore. it's just uncomfortable. maybe it's my fault for caring so much but i can't look at this body and be satisfied with it. in truth i can look at this body and the feeling of disgust i get can kill any good mood i could possibly have. something needs to change when you are driven to tears just by seeing yourself in a store window reflection. i was very glad when i came to the computer just after four this morning that there was someone to talk to. jessie hadn't slept at all either. i still have another hour and a half until i have to go work. i'm hoping that working isn't going to be three straight hours of julia-bashing. chuck comes home today. i missed him. there were so many things i was thinking about last night that i wanted to write down but i just can't get the words out right now. my feelings can be summed up in songs as always, honestly ok by dido is the song of today. i just want to feel safe in my own skin. i just want to be happy again
